Valentine's Day Wish

Yesterday was a big day for me. It marked one month that I’ve been off my prescription opioids; one month that I’ve endured unpleasant withdrawal symptoms and survived the four month withdrawal process I went through between September 11^th, 2018 and January 13, 2019. Having been told years ago that I would likely need to be on prescription narcotics of some strength my entire life by a pain specialist, it’s truly remarkable that I’m now living day to day without the relief of what turned out to be toxic substances to my overall health.  Life is much sweeter now that I feel alive to live it.  I give thanks every day that I was able to escape the roller coaster of my experience with prescription opioids, and I’m highly reflective about what it was that truly got me through this difficult period of detox.

It dawned on me today, after a “Happy Valentine’s Day” call from my mom, that the root of my survival through all this was love.  Today is a day where we customarily tell those important to us just how much we love them, how much they mean to us, and we show them with gifts and gestures that life is made sweeter by their presences in it.  When I look back at my decision to go off my prescription opioids, I realize that it was the love for myself that drove the effort. And in our society today, telling oneself that she isn’t only loved but worth fighting for is something that is absent. So for Valentine’s Day, I wish for all of you to take a moment to look in the mirror and tell yourself that you love YOU!

When I look back, the one aspect of my situation in September that gave me the strength and the courage to begin my separation from prescription opioids for my pain is that, for the first time in my life, I put myself first and decided I was worth saving from what was a numb and hopeless existence. I want to emphasize that not everyone on prescription opioids experiences the anesthetized mentality and spiritual bankruptcy that I did, and I support those who are able to healthily remain on their pain medications and sustain an active lifestyle. That was not the case for me.

I believe, especially as women, we identify ourselves by how much we love others, and we don’t often turn that love inward, as it seems almost selfish or conceited. There is nothing self-centered about loving the one person who gets us through each and every day, and there should be no limit to how much we can love ourselves, especially when we so freely give our love to those in our lives.  I truly believe that one of God’s great joys comes from seeing individuals who can appreciate who they are, who can recognize their inner strengths and who can make the tough decisions to stop hurting ourselves, no matter if it’s intentional or as a result of external factors.

I was taught that it’s impossible to love anyone else until I learn to unconditionally love myself. Looking back on these difficult few months, I realize how true that statement is. I’ve always been one of those people who are really good at giving 110% to relationships with others, but not so good at directing that attitude inward. Unfortunately, I allowed that love for others to be a blinder to what was going on inside me, and I came close to losing my life to a lack of love for the person who wakes up every day and looks in the mirror. I was never going to be capable of loving those in my life as completely as I wanted until I learned to put myself first and love myself.  There was no way, in my suicidal and emotionally disabled state, that I could live my life the way it was intended to be lived until I stopped and decided that it was worth pulling myself from the depths of opioid dependence and finding another way to cope with my pain.

In the grand scheme of things, a month seems like nothing to most.  It’s a few pay periods, a third of a semester, a mortgage payment.  To me, it’s been 31 days of experiencing life with the mental acuity and passion with which I believe God intended, and I can only imagine it will get better with every passing day.  I could never have gotten through withdrawal without the unconditional love of my support system, and I don’t downplay that love for even a moment. I recognize, for the first time, it’s OK to say, “I love you, Jessica!” on this Valentine’s Day. 

Perhaps it’s just maturing on my part, but loving myself has reaped nothing short of miracles in my life. Wherever you are on your journey, may you all realize the love that surrounds you in the very center of your being, and may you be blessed with the fruits of such love!