Last Thursday was the 16 year anniversary of my son Gabriel’s death
in my womb.I was six months pregnant when I lost him. Every year brings with
it new and unresolved emotions, but this year was different. Partially because I no
longer have the opioid pain medications to numb my senses, I was acutely aware
of the emptiness I feel, and yet I also felt a great gratitude for the time I had
him with me. Those six months were precious and magical, and I’ve never felt
more divinely designed for anything in my life than I did for motherhood. So
instead of focusing on my loss, I chose to focus on the beautiful life he had
and the extraordinary experience I had during the course of his short life.
Being off my prescription opiates, I’m finding that life’s joys are heightened,
while my life’s difficult times are extremely raw. My mind and spirit are no
longer anesthetized, even though a lot of the pain has returned. While I
could focus on the pain, I’m choosing to focus on the beauty I’m seeing
in life, the joy I’m finding in the smallest things and my overall gratitude
to feel alive once again. Just like my perspective on Gabriel, I’m celebrating
life off the opiates and the freedom I feel to express my deepest joys.
When you take control of your attitude, the sky’s the limit! I don’t claim to have
control of my life, as I feel the Divine has a certain degree of responsibility for
that. But I do have control over my attitude, and without the opiates, I feel
empowered to be positive more than negative most days. Again,
choosing to go off my opiates was the right choice for me, but I want
to emphasize that many pain patients need their opiates to live a quality life.
I have chosen to learn other ways to cope with my pain,but I empower those
who can stay on them and do so without causing the kind of mental breakdown
I had after being on them for nineteen years. It’s all circumstantial. I wish our
medical community and legislation would focus more on those who are abusing
drugs, and not on those who are merely trying to deal with chronic pain the only
way they know how.
My reflection on Gabriel’s life made me realize that I’m pregnant with positivity
and joy since my decision to go off my opiates. On one side there is loss of pain
control, but on the other there is the miraculous change in my life. It took the
anniversary of my son’s passing to make me realize how amazing life can
be when you choose to look at the positive side of things. Gabriel, wherever
you are, I thank you for your brief but beautiful life. And I thank you for making
Mommy see just how lucky she is. It is said, “And a child shall lead them.”
Truer words have never been spoken.
Enjoy "The Story" by Brandi Carlile....
I love the choice you have made to look on the positive and beautiful side life.
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