Clearing the Path

2019 was an absolutely precious, painful, beautiful, tragic and overwhelming year.  I shed the cocoon of numbness and the weight of drug dependence. I lost people I love, watched others lose people they love; loss seemed to be an overwhelming theme.  I also gained awareness and perspective.  I discovered self-love and self-worth.  I gave myself permission to heal and to let go of pain.  I walked through fire and upon shards of glass to move beyond my Earthly illness and find Divine healing.

It's about preservation now.  I want to hold onto the Jessica I so desperately sought.  I will fight my demons and slay dragons for her survival.  And thanks to some teachers who have come into my life (you know who you are), I'm learning that survival also means shedding the weight of other people's pain.  Being an empath, I am really good at taking on the battles of others.  I carry them like weight upon my back.  When I love, I love hard, and I want to make those around me feel better.  And yet the reality of it is that you can't save anyone but yourself.  The best you can do is love them and pray.

In the last decade, I've been on the verge of death more times than I care to count.  I was told I'd never be off drugs or off oxygen, and I debunked both theories.  I feel reborn, emerging from a warm womb of healing I created.  I decided life was too precious to waste feeling sad, guilty, hurt and ashamed.  2019 was a year of transformation.  I dove of a cliff and spread my wings.  And while there are still days I almost crash and burn into the Earth below, I finally know how to rise up when I come too close to destroying the Jessica that is finally alive again.

2020 is a year for living as my best self.  To me that means removing judgement of myself and others against any standards.  It means loving myself for me, imperfections and all.  It means fighting hatred and anger with love and kindness.  Accepting other perspectives while holding tight to my own truth.  It means recognizing that the light is never as glorious if you don't have darkness. It means happiness is never as precious if there isn't sadness.  It means that acceptance is never as reassuring if you haven't been rejected.  It's all about balance.

We get out of the World what we put into it.  If you give kindness, kindness will find its way back to you.  If you give love, love will find its way in return.  It may not be a direct flight, but eventually, you will find it staring you back in the eye.  This past decade was hard, paved with gravel and glass.  May the next be a smoother path.  May we become more enlightened, less entitled; more caring for ourselves and others.  It all begins from within.  That is where your path begins.  When you live your truth, your wings will spread.  And from there, anything is possible.

I'm no longer desperately seeking Jessica.  Turns out she was here all along.  I just had to remove the obstacles in her path.  

Happy New Year!