Yesterday the rain came down. Hard. The air was full of pressure from the altered energy coming from the environment, and dark clouds obscured the sun that was trying so desperately to shine. You could see the storm coming before the heavens grumbled their permission for the onslaught to begin. Nothing was spared, the Earth fully saturated with the heaviness of Nature's tears. Warm, wet air danced through tree branches. Wind chimes echoed the whispers of angels. In the end, the World was still. The clouds dispersed and rays of light fell on quiet ground. For a brief moment, everything felt clean.
Our World currently seems imbued with filth and fear, and I'm not talking about just Covid-19. There's economic fallout, political turmoil, natural disasters, and most of all, intense human suffering. I'm not sure there's ever been a time when these things have NOT existed, but I'm quite certain that, in my lifetime, there's not been a time when people were so paralyzed by them. The fear that comes from being so acutely aware of how much this crisis is changing our society is overwhelming, yet I hadn't allowed myself the opportunity to truly let that fear surround me like the true storm that it is until yesterday.
As many of you know, my health in years past has not been well. By the grace of God, I have made an almost full recovery from various chronic conditions, including a near-death experience with the H1N1 virus in 2009, after which I was on oxygen for eight years. At the time, doctors told me that I would never be able to breathe again without being leashed to oxygen tubing. My lungs and I proved them wrong. Through all my struggles, my family and God have been at the heart of my survival. They have never let me fall, even when all the odds were against me. By some miracle, I am still here to live through this time.
Every day, there seems to be an evolution into a World more upside-down than the day before. There is more danger, more suffering, more fear, more uncertainty. Yesterday, I saw my beloved nephews through a car window, maintaining a safe distance. As we parted, I couldn't help but miss the feeling of their arms around me. I was so lucky to have been able to see them at all, and I was still sad. Driving down streets once busy with traffic and now ghosted in its absence was surreal, at best. I returned home feeling dirty and unfulfilled.
Back in my home, it took awhile to ease my anxiety from having been "exposed" to all that loomed in the uncertain reality of the day. I watched the news and heard stories of those dying in ICU's around the globe without the comfort of loved ones by their sides. I thought about my own ICU experience with H1N1, and I wondered to my core if I would have survived without the presence of my family and friends. If this virus were to attack me, would I survive without my family by my side, and could I survive in a World if one of them were to perish?
For some reason, I remembered being a child and participating in Hands Across America. It struck me as such a sharp contrast to the reality in which we find ourselves today. As a child, I held hands with strangers that spanned across this entire nation, and yesterday I couldn't hug my nephews who were six feet away from me. I have not been hit with such a powerful thunderbolt to my soul since this crisis began. It was that image from my innocent childhood inside my mind's eye hovering next to the image of my nephews being just outside my arms' reach that initiated the cloud burst. Tears fell on the scorched surface of my skin, their spiritual moisture soaking into my thirsty heart. I cried for all about which it is natural to be sad. These are crazy times.
I let the rain come down, and I stood silent in its absolute flood of emotion. I cried and cried and cried until there were no more tears left to shed. Then I took a deep breath, wiped my eyes dry and opened them to find my mom smiling softly at me. At that moment, she symbolized God's light. She was my calm after the storm. That's the thing about hard times; they can either define you and intensify your faith, or they can break you.
Yesterday, my faith was strengthened time and again with nuggets of God in my everyday life. My mom and I sharing a safe, warm home; my nephews' faces smiling at me; my brother sending out a video of him singing one of my favorite songs; my sister-in-law posting a video of my brother singing with his granddaughter; a phone call from my dad. I could go on and on and on. And I will continue to be grateful, each and every day, for these precious people and moments that shed light on my world in even the darkest of times.
Nobody knows what tomorrow will hold. It's important to be strong in times of adversity, and it's ALSO important to be fragile and pliable. Allow these moments, even the ones filled with overwhelming fear, to mold you. Find gratitude, find humility, find faith. I never know exactly when the tears will stop any more than the weatherman can tell us exactly when the rain will stop. But God does know, and that greater power will be there even when the storm ends. Perhaps more so than ever before. That gives me great comfort. So perhaps, at least to some of you, it will give you comfort, too.
