Love is Abundant

For my birthday, I indirectly got a puppy. It wasn't really an intentional gift, but one that came upon my mom and I as a lovely surprise.  Gracie was a stray pup found wandering at a local school with no identification, and that was turned into a local vet clinic.  She was checked for a microchip (with no results), and her appearance on Pet FBI brought forth no claimants.  She was extremely malnourished, but otherwise in good health and needed a stable home. Our Bella was adopted four years ago when she was two years old, a pure-bread Labrador Retriever, when we still had our precious Zoe Isabella, also a Labrador Retriever. When we had to put Zoe down due to old age and illness, Bella was heartbroken.  

So when Gracie appeared on the Bexley Buzz needing a home, my mom arranged a home visit and said that the ultimate decision was up to Bella and I.  It's been almost 20 years since I've had a puppy, and I've never really trained one. But the night Gracie was brought to our home, she was tiny and sweet, and she and Bella hit it off, kissing each others noses as soon as they met. There was really no decision to be made. Gracie had found her forever home with us, and the past two weeks have been filled with love, frustration, training and sweetness, and my heart could not be more overflowing had the Universe poured a gallon of unconditional love into my soul.  

I suppose the most beautiful part of this experience is my ability to relish each and every challenging yet precious moment with this new addition to our family.  Bella and Gracie wrestle like WWE Smackdown participants, and they cuddle as if they've never been apart.  I'm constantly reaffirming positive behavior, correcting mischief and loving this tiny creature with all my heart.  A year ago, I was too numb to fathom this type of enjoyment, the extent of frustration, the exhaustion of running after what appears to have the energy of a young kangaroo, hopping and jumping from activity to activity every moment of the day.  I am PRESENT, and I love it.  Without the narcotics, I am free to marinate in every beloved moment with Gracie and her new big sister, Bella.  There is no numbness to subdue the frustration of puppy pee puddles, and distract from the pure love that resonates from these two creatures.

Life is beautifully difficult, extremely discouraging, brilliantly magnificent and abundantly fulfilling.  I find myself running after what behaves much like a toddler, and I am deeply in love with the entire scenario.  My mom, my Bella, myself... we have fallen in love with little Gracie.  And by some miracle, I have survived all I've been through to arrive at this moment when love is overwhelming my spirit.  This little creature entered my life at a time when I needed to give of my new self, with all the love that's been wasted on pain all these years.  I could not be more grateful to the Universe and God for guiding Gracie to the home in which she is meant to reside.... my heart.  If I could write a thank you note to fate, this would be it.  My cup is overflowing, and I am infinitely joyful.

Hope is Eternal

I am 43 years old today. Had you told me a decade ago, or even a year ago, I never would have believed I would live to see this day.  The illness and pain that surrounded me for almost 20 years has evaporated into the touches of flame that color the summer sunset. I won't say there aren't still scars, but they are no longer a reminder of what almost defeated me, but rather marks of what have made me who I am.  I've finally come to the realization that loving myself means loving ALL of me; the good, the bad, and the abundant traces of scalpels that have cut me through and through, only to be healed by the grace of God.

My blessings are too abundant to count. My faith, my family, my friends.  Today I have been enveloped with love and well wishes for a great day and wonderful year.  Traditionally, we get to make one wish on our birthday, and as I reflected today, I decided that my one wish for what's yet to come is HOPE.  Through all my ups and downs, there was always a firefly of hope flitting through my soul, allowing my spirit to hold on when my vessel was doing the opposite.

Every night on the news, I see the World suffering. Parents are losing children to all types of violence. The loss of a child is unfathomable. It is unimaginably painful, earth-shattering and soul-crippling.  I pray we can find a way to save the young from such tragic endings. Adults are taking their anger out with bullets. I have lost a loved one to suicide by gunshot. It is horrific and sad.  I pray we can get control of the violence.  Part of the Earth's lungs are burning.  I know what it feels like to breathe fire-like pain and gasp for breath. If I could, I would muster all the air in my now-healed lungs and blow out the Amazon like one big birthday candle. 

I close my eyes and imagine HOPE penetrating the sadness, the despair, the tragedy, the crises.  My wellness means everything to me, but without the wellness of the World around us, what can we expect in the years to come?  God's grace is infinite, but without hope, the scars will only continue to amass. So in the spirit of a new year full of rebirth, I give my birthday wish to our world. I'm learning my worth, finding my pride and nourishing my spirit.  So I'm paying forward my candle of HOPE to all that surrounds us. 

My Nana always told me that peace begins from within.  May every ounce of energy in this great Universe surge with peace, as this life is far too precious to be saturated with such sadness and tragedy. There is always the opportunity to begin again. I've faced the end more times than I care to count, and I fear it no more.  What I DO fear is facing a future with no future.  Find the firefly of hope within yourselves and be part of the change with your one shining light.

To all those of you who have made me feel so special today and who have supported me through it all, thank you for your love.  And a special note to JM.... you know who you are.  Infinite blessings on the next chapter, a brand new Virgo to carry the torch you and your wife have so bravely lit with your love.  Thank you for guiding me as I navigate this new journey and for never giving up on me.

Present in the Present

Today marks seven months since I've been off my opiates, and I was inspired to reflect on my journey since returning to the living. For so long, life was just a numb haze through which I struggled to see. Every day off my prescription narcotics, I see life more acutely.  It's as though I've gone from living in the oldest black and white movie with the worst special effects to an IMAX film that shocks me with its brilliance and wonder each and every day.  There is no more numbness to dull emotions or perspectives, and my body and mind feel healthier than they have in nineteen years.  I'm redefining relationships, establishing boundaries and discovering a wealth of worth I never knew existed. It has been a beautiful, while sometimes challenging, journey since January.

Being chronically ill for any extended period of time can rob you of your identity and sense of self-worth.  I went to college and received a B.A. in Spanish, and I had established a promising career as a translator.  However, pain and illness don't mix well with a career, and I eventually lost the battle of maintaining employment to extended hospitalizations and disease.  All I had worked hard to establish seemed to be lost to something completely out of my control, and I felt like a failure.  I thought I was a disappointment to my family, a loser to my social circle and a shell of my former self.  I will say that the drugs helped to numb these feelings of inadequacy over the years, but I was able to define them in therapy once the pharmaceuticals were removed.  An observation for the masses: therapy is not for the weak, but for the strong who want to overcome weaknesses.

I never realized how worthless I felt until I entered trauma therapy for the loss of my son this past February, and I confronted the Jessica that used to be in the face of the Jessica that is evolving everyday. I've cried for that sick girl, not out of pity, but out of loss for what could have been. The beauty of life is that each day is a new opportunity to begin again, and that is what I have done. I have begun again. I have been reborn in a new life that I am learning to define, not allowing my illness or suffering therein to define for me.  It's been the most empowering journey of my life, and I meet each day with new hopes for what can be as I continue to explore healing.

I am not a victim of anything that has happened to me; I am a survivor despite it all. And THAT Jessica is who I choose to celebrate, not pity the Jessica that was. I cannot change the times I drooled and had eyes that rolled back in my head from opiate intoxication, that I tripped over my oxygen tubing or gasped for breath, that I bent over in pain.  Those times happened, and I survived them. It's that survival that now makes me proud and gives me a sense of worth.  I AM worthy of love, respect, and pride, and it's the Jessica that's aware of those things that I celebrate today.

I'm not better than anyone else. Far from it.  The most important theme in this new and evolving life is that I'm AS GOOD as everyone else.  It's that perspective that gives me the courage to keep reaching for new heights, achieving new goals and setting new boundaries that empower me.  The truth is that everyone has struggled with something.  We all have the capacity to overcome if we find and hold onto the love for ourselves in the face of any adversity.  Life is glorious, every beautiful and heartbreaking moment.  It is not a linear journey, but more of a web we have the power to weave. And if we allow ourselves the power to see it, the silk we spin is full of splendor.